I know I’ve been absent for quite some time, with and without reason. There have been so many times I’ve wished to come to my computer and sit down to write something that might mean something to someone somewhere maybe, but whenever I would do so, words failed.
Actually, until recently, I felt creatively blocked up. Like I had no stories to tell.
Lately, I’ve been feeling quite the opposite — too many stories are bouncing around in my head. But they’re too big or too broad, and either way, when it comes to sitting down and getting them out of my head, they fizzle the moment I try to put them on paper. When they’re still in my head, they seem magnificent — stories I would love to read if only someone would write them.
I’m not convinced that someone should be me.
A lot of change has occurred in my life recently, and all at once. Now the dust is settling, and I’m coming to the harsh realization that my life is very different to how it was and will be from now on. I’ll save you the gory details (gory’s the wrong word, but go with it), but it’s left me feeling like I need some. . . filling? I’m not empty — let’s not get dramatic here — but I’ve lost some stuffing. (Where am I going with this metaphor?I don’t know let’s pretend it never happened.)
There are many things I could fill myself with. Most of those things — school/classes, performance, travel — require money that I don’t have, another stresser to add to the pile. Not only that, but I feel as though my stories that I want to tell could almost take too many forms and I just can’t choose from among them. Is this idea a play? Is it a short story? A novel? An epic fantasy saga?
There was a time when I felt as though I was putting too much out there, simply because blogging was a way to write without really writing anything at all. Perhaps I’m scared of the substance of it all. Perhaps I’m scared to put something out there that I care about too much.
Because what if people hate it?
Or worse. What if no one ever sees it? What if it’s just lost amongst every other story that’s out there? And all for the dumbest reason — because I simply wasn’t loud enough?
That’s where I’m at. This here is nothing revelatory or exciting. Just simply a statement. A mumbled check-in.
I guess most people would call this feeling “OK.”