An Honest Cover Letter

To Whom It May Concern,

I did not really know how to address this letter considering I was given absolutely no indication of who would be reading these applications at your company. All the websites I’ve looked at tell me to find the name of the person who hires people, but if you didn’t provide it, why send us on a fruitless goose chase? And seriously, why would you take someone out of the running just for misaddressing the cover letter?

Anyway, I saw your company is hiring and would really like the job. By “really like” I mostly mean, I need the money and this line of work is vaguely interesting to me, so here we are. I will now proceed to talk about my (limited) experience in this area. Please excuse the fact that much of this “experience” was gained a number of years ago when I was in college, and that I’m going to talk about it as if I remember how to do any of it. Let’s also just glance over the fact that none of it was gained in a professional environment, and I probably just did it one time for that one club I was a part of. But do know that I’m going to milk it for all it’s worth.

I’m going to start by saying that I have excellent written and verbal communication skills and I can back it up by mentioning I was an English major, which obviously proves that my writing is impeccable. I’m going to withhold the fact that I’m almost painfully introverted and don’t like talking on the phone with strangers because no one wants to hire that person. Did I mention I was a Theater major as well? Woah! A double major! This girl sure is versatile! Not only was I a double major, I also participated in way too many other extracurricular activities and upon graduating have achieved nothing and gone through countless existential crises because I don’t know how to live outside a school environment.

Here’s where I’m going to talk about my “work experience” and by that I mean, the skills I gained working in retail and food service because those are the only jobs I’ve worked since graduation. Many people don’t count these as “real jobs” and maybe they’re right because I can’t even tell if I made any money at all! I mean my whole paycheck can’t have gone to food and rent, right? Oh, it did, you say? How sad! You’re probably going to act like this “work experience” of mine doesn’t really count in regards to this position at your company, but let me just tell you that I have seen some shit that I can’t un-see. I have dealt with every type of person there is and I lived through it. I have been yelled at for no reason every day and worked holidays and been paid next to nothing, so if you tell me that doesn’t “count” I might literally rip your head off. Please hire me! *Wink*

Oh also I’m a quick learner and have typing skills and I’ll never quit because I never want to apply to a job and write a stupid cover letter like this ever again and I need the benefits because my parents’ insurance won’t cover me once I turn 26.

Also, don’t judge me for my run-on sentences.

I think it’s pretty clear, though. I’m a f*cking peach and you’d be lucky to have me. (I wrote that to disguise my deeply rooted self-doubt, even though it felt supremely unnatural to me to write that with such fake confidence).

(I hope this letter isn’t too long. It probably is, though.)


My Sad Bank Account

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