100.

2017 was the absolute pits. And so was 2016 before it.

But amidst the hellfire, there is this one feat. 100 posts on a blog all my own.

The holidays can be such a lonely time for me. Not that I am alone or anything. I’m lucky to be here with my family at the moment. There are presents sitting under a decorated Christmas tree and we have that Nativity set made from wooden blocks that we used to play with as kids in its usual spot. There’s no snow on the ground but the house is still cold and I cover myself in massive blankets during all hours of the day. My mom wakes me too early on weekends by playing Bing Crosby’s Christmas album too loudly downstairs, but when I emerge from my bedroom there’s a chocolate chip pancake waiting for me.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, just like the song says, and I look forward to it all year round. But at the same time, as December comes to a close, I always get inexplicably sad. Like when a really good vacation is coming to an end, and you still have a day or two to relax, but it’s somewhat spoiled by your own ill feeling. I start thinking about goals I haven’t accomplished and everything I feel too scared to accomplish in the new year. I get sad because my friends are finally out of school or have a break from work but they still don’t have time to see me because they are busy with their families.

I think about how lonely the holidays are for a lot of people – how they might be a reminder of loved ones they lost or how they might live too far away from their families and cannot afford a plane ticket home. Not everyone gets invited to Christmas parties or receives any gifts or even celebrates a holiday at all.

I don’t mean to be depressing, but it’s the end of the year blues speaking through me. My writing only comes from emotions and this time they are somber. Perhaps it is fitting for this dumpster fire year, to end not with a bang, but a silent, tearless cry alone in my bedroom.

But 100. That is one thing that tugs upward at the corners of my mouth.

Here’s to starting 2018 with 101.

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