The Internet is Down: A Helpful Guide

Follow these steps and you’re sure to survive and emerge on the other side, mostly unscathed.

  1. Why did your episode of Boy Meets World stop playing? Your internet is down? It’s probably just one of those things where it goes down for 10 minutes and you just have to wait it out. Probably. Just wait a few minutes. It should be back up shortly.

  2. So that didn’t work. Just restart your computer. Maybe it’s just mad because you haven’t actually shut it down in a while.

  3. Ok. That didn’t work either. Try it again. Except you should restart the modem, too.

  4. And it didn’t work. . . again. Ok. Don’t panic. Maybe try restarting your computer again? This better f*cking work.

  5. Spoiler alert: It doesn’t work. But third times a charm, right? Just restart that sucker one more time. It will work this time. *sweat pools at your temples*

  6. Call your internet provider. They’ll tell you they are aware of the problem — as many others in your area are also internet-less. Feel the smallest amount of camaraderie with your fellow sufferers.

  7. Read a book. After all, you’ve been meaning to get back into reading more. You are enjoying that one sci-fi series and it’s really getting spicy. You’ll read a chapter or two. The internet problem is sure to be remedied in the next couple of hours. Check it again.

  8. Seriously? It’s not up yet? But you’re soooooo bored. This is getting ridiculous. Read one more chapter of your spicy sci-fi.

  9. Why is it not up yet? Call your internet provider again. It’s been a few hours after all. Listen to the pre-recorded message. They are “aware of the problem,” and they are choosing to ignore you (it doesn’t actually say that, but basically they’re telling you to f*ck off). Choose not to hold the line to speak to a representative because it will be approximately 3 hours until one can be reached, and nobody’s got time for that.

  10. Stare blankly at the wall for 10 minutes.

  11. Go for a walk because you can’t think of anything else to do.

  12. Go to bed early. Watch Youtube videos on your phone because it won’t hurt to use some data for just one day out of the month.

  13. Wake up the next morning and immediately check the Internet. How is it not working yet? F*ck it. Just go to work and it will definitely be up by the time you get home.

  14. Come to the realization that you have been foolish — foolish to believe in a childhood fantasy. “The internet will be up when you get home from work?” Hogwash.

  15. Eat food. Lots of food. Eat purely out of boredom until you’re too full for dinner.

  16. Call your Internet provider. Yes, again. They won’t have someone out there until two days from now. SWEET. COOL CUSTOMER SERVICE, BROS.

  17. Pull out your old DVD set of Pride and Prejudice with Collin Firth. That will kill 5 hours until it’s time for bed. Marvel at how women used to spend their time doing nothing but needlework, picking flowers, reading, and sometimes going to balls. Consider taking up needlework again. Quickly abandon the idea because that sh*t’s boring. Just go to bed.

  18. Decide to write the next great American novel. Abandon it after writing only two paragraphs.

  19. Play solitaire. Lots and lots of solitaire.

  20. Go to Starbucks and mooch some major Internet-age.

  21. Reconsider writing the next great American novel. Write a paragraph and then quit.

  22. Wait what seems like an eternity for the Internet man to come. Lie on your bed, stare at the ceiling and wait for death.

  23. The internet man arrives. You hate him and love him so much. A lot of mixed feelings are happening in your head.

  24. FINALLY. Your internet it back up. Surf Twitter for a minimum of ten minutes before becoming completely disenchanted with the world around you. Experience extreme feelings of anxiety and stress. Don’t forget sadness, too — a weighty depression that eats at your very core and keeps you up at night. Close your computer and don’t open it again for a very, very long time.

Take my advice or don’t take my advice. It’s not like I’m speaking from experience or anything.

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