How to Be a Horrible Customer

During this interim of figuring out what I want to do with my life, I am working as a host at a restaurant and also as an up-and-coming barista at a coffee shop.

After only a few weeks on the job(s), I am already an expert on how to be the worst customer ever. Follow these tips and tricks, and you’ll be on your way to being obscenely nasty and hated by all!

  1. Defy time! When the host tells you its going to be about 30 minutes before you can be seated – make sure you let them know that is fine and you’ll wait for a table. Then, in 15 minutes, return to the podium and demand to be seated immediately. Make sure you tell them that you’ve been waiting for “like 45 minutes,” because they have no way of knowing when you actually checked in. Even better – do this when the hostess is obviously trying to balance speaking to new customers, answering the phone, and getting to-go orders ready for pick up.
  2. Better yet, just seat yourself! Why do they pay hosts when its obvious that you can just go to any open table at any given time?
  3. Just because its not on the menu anymore, doesn’t mean you can’t order it! I mean, you’ve “been getting that same turkey meatloaf sandwich for years now.” Just because they’ve taken it off the menu, it can’t possibly mean that they no longer order the necessary ingredients. If the kitchen has the ingredients – they can make it!
  4. Tipping people is dumb! They’re going to get paid anyway, what’s a few extra dollars from you? Don’t even tip when you order food right before the kitchen is about to close and the host is on her way out for the night.
  5. Make sure to objectify every worker you see! Your host has a pixie cut and is single and in her forties? – she must be a lesbian, so let her know! Tell that scrawny kid that he should start lifting! Flirt with everyone and be as creepy as possible about it by throwing in a few winks.
  6. You can totally walk in to a restaurant and ask to be seated 10 minutes before they close! If they don’t want you to sit down after 9:45, then they shouldn’t say they are open until 10 pm. Just waltz right on in, and stay as long as you want.
  7. Never settle for a table! God forbid you sit at a table! They just aren’t private enough! If you see a booth open up, even after you have already ordered your food, grab it while its hot! No need to let your server know – they’ll figure it out. After all, its their job to make you happy. They’ll just completely adjust their system for you.
  8. Always assume that the hosts and servers should make no mistakes whatsoever, AT ALL! Don’t give them any wiggle room – if they want your business, they’ll have to provide perfect customer service. Expecting anything less than perfection might make them feel like it is acceptable for them to make mistakes, and they’ll never get better. After all, it’s not like they’re human or anything.
  9. Make sure you demand to see a manager for even the smallest qualms! When the hosts or servers don’t give you what you want, the managers are the ones who can get you the free stuff! Plus, the managers will probably get your “awful” server in trouble! Because the managers love disgruntled customers, and definitely won’t think you are being unreasonable or over-the-top.
  10. At the end of it all, make sure you let every single person you pass know how horrible your experience at this establishment was – especially fellow customers! Exclaim that you will never come back to this restaurant again. Then, return in a month and do it all over again – because that food was delicious! (Just don’t let them know that). It’s not like they’ll actually remember you when you come back…

So, there you have it – 10 easy ways to be awful to customers for people in the food service industry. Follow these steps and you’re sure to be verbally torn apart behind your back by every single worker you interact with. But at least you’ll feel powerful!

(But seriously, please don’t do any of these things when you go to a restaurant. And just know – the only people who should have the-customer-is-always-right attitude are the workers, not the customers. Because, honestly, the customer often doesn’t know shit.)

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